Mathematics and I

The following is a write up by a much loved member of Vikramshila....it is a sharing of Sutapa Di's love-hate relationship with Mathematics! Sutapa Mookerjee, is one of the senior most members of Vikramshila, a part of the Training team of Vikramshila. She has a vast experience of training behind her, has interacted with diverse groups of people all over India as a training coordinaor, can deliver lessons and sessions in no time, and yet, she has the outstanding quality that enables her to continue to look wonder eyed at the world around her.

Suatapa Di is terrfied of maths and terrified of writing...yet her Digantar course and a couple of documentation workshops, made her overcome to a large extent her fears and mental blocks! The end product is this write up that comes straight from herheart ....enjoy this piece...

Mathematics and I

At the very onset it has to be said that union of the two words, “Maths” and “I” is a very tough and unlikely one! Mathematics and I run like two parallel lines – always alongside each other, but always maintaining a certain distance and with little probability of ever converging! That the relationship between the two principle protagonists in this essay is very weak was a known fact to me; however it got further established after my attending the Foundations of Education course…!However, since I am assigned this topic, I am attempting to share some of my experiences and feelings in this regard. It may be possible that this sharing would become a catharsis for me to understand my incapability in this domain and justify it to myself.

When a living being first takes birth, she gets directly or indirectly inextricably woven with mathematics, though she may or may not realize this. Normally, one first gets formally associated or introduced to mathematics at school in class 1. And from that moment on, the person in question begins to feel that that her relation to Maths starts and remains in the classroom and the formal school sphere- i.e. it gets institutionalized.

I too am not beyond this conviction. From the very beginning of my formal introduction to maths, my fear towards the subject began and the foreboding consistently remained and cumulatively increased. However, why this fear emerged, grew and sustained itself remains hidden and forgotten today, though I will admit that there was a consciousness somewhere inside me that was aware of the development of this apprehension in my mind.

Given that the foreboding remained in my conscious mind somewhere, as a school girl, the maths classes seemed to me very long and unending. However, on the very few exceptional occasions, when I was able to solve the sums or understand what was being taught I actually did like the classes.
My Mathematics teacher was far from being a fearful creature- quite the opposite in fact, she was a small built and quite a sweet and polite person, although very very grave. She was so grave, that if by chance a smile escaped her serious demeanor, she appeared visibly uncomfortable at being caught! When this small structured lady would ask in the class “Has everyone completed?” my heart would turn cold and I would get a sinking feeling. Again, on the rare gem occasions when I did manage to complete my task I would eagerly run to teacher to show her my work and couldn’t wait to stand in line! Nonetheless, the fact remained, that these occasions were few and far between.

While writing this piece when I started thinking about my predicament ‘today’, one thought keeps recurring…that being, why this fear got built in the first place, where and when did it happen and settle in my mind and how came no one tried to find out the reason behind it? And when the reason itself was not sought, trying to solve it didn’t arise at all!

Straining my mind, the little that I remember, was that as my fear kept growing gradually, my mind automatically began acting as a machine, sorting and selecting units that it thought “I could do” and those that “I couldn’t do”. In accordance to the selection process a kind of a template was created in my mind based on which , one look at a problem would determine whether ‘I could’ and whether ‘I Couldn’t’ do it! Gradually, as algebra and geometry joined the bandwagon, my principles or sorting and selection were applied with equal force to the new entrants.

However, what was happening as a corollary was that in as much as I was going by my fixed rules of choosing and eliminating problems and sums that I could and couldn’t do, I was also ending up narrowing my sphere of knowledge and understanding. And although this narrowing down was taking place; in my mind I was unable to trace the real zone of my discomfort and the reason behind it.
Today, after many years of being associated with an organization in the education sector, I have progressed a little in my search for my zone of discomfort with mathematics. Armed with the role of a trainer in the world of education, and gradually understanding the nature of this subject, I can say that the strictly established parallel lines have somewhere dissolved and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel where Mathematics and I are progressing towards the direction of convergence.

Looking back today, I can recall how I had fervently wished and looked forward to the day when I would get my release order from the maze of mathematics. When I was a student, the release order opportunity came as early as class 8. It was only an opportunity, meaning that I had a choice of taking it, but I of course jumped at it and finally breathed free and easy.

Today however at a certain age and stage of maturity, when I look back at my life, I feel there are many things to which I have not done justice to. In this list, mathematics has added its name. Perhaps I have not done justice to it.
I however have a question, that while mathematics is inextricably woven into our lives from birth, if in later life one doesn’t participate in the formal mathematics learning process, does it act as an obstacle in one’s life?

To answer my own question, drawing from my own life I can say perhaps, at the institutional level it does. Not knowing maths has indeed affected some of my dreams and aspirations, for instance I had wished to pursue my higher studies in psychology, for which mathematics was a requisite. Needless to add, my dream remained unfulfilled.

But my life didn’t stop there. In life itself, mathematics is inextricably wound with me and will remain so. My life went on proceeding in its own rhythm, and included the rhythm of mathematics of life within it.

Sutapa Mookerjee 24/11/09
Vikramshila Education Resource Society
256 B Prince Anwar Shah Road
Kolkata 700045